Wedding rehersal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the preacher with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and cherish" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the preacher looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and vow eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the preacher and whispered: "I thought we had a deal."

The preacher put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer."

You could have heard a pin drop

Field Marshal Sam Bahadur Maneckshaw once started addressing a public meeting at Ahmedabad in English.
The crowd started chanting, "Speak in Gujarati. We will hear you only if you speak in
Gujarati."
Field Marshal Sam Bahadur Maneckshaw stopped. Swept the audience with a hard
stare and replied,
"Friends, I have fought many a battle in my long career. I have learned Punjabi from
men of the Sikh Regiment; Marathi from the Maratha Regiment; Tamil from the men
of the Madras Sappers; Bengali from the men of the Bengal Sappers, Hindi from the Bihar Regiment; and even Nepali from the Gurkha Regiment. Unfortunately there was no soldier from Gujarat from whom I could have learned Gujarati."

........ You could have heard a pin drop

India........it is a confused nation we live in..

- * It’s a confused nation we live
> in........*
>
> * *
>
> * *
>
> *Where a policeman kills a leopard that is actually attacking a villager,
> and instead of being felicitated he is booked for the crime of saving a
> human being! ***
>
> * *
>
> *A nation where Rice is Rs.40/- per kg and SIM Card is free. ***
>
> * *
>
> *Where a pizza you have ordered reaches home faster than an ambulance or
> police, even if you were being murdered or having a heart attack! ***
>
> * *
>
> *Where a car loan is charged at 5% but an education loan, so necessary for
> our youth is charged an interest of 12%! ***
>
> * *
>
> *A nation where students with 45% get into elite institutions through the
> quota system and those with 90% are sent away because of merit. ***
>
> * *
>
> *Where a millionaire buys a cricket team, spending crores instead of
> donating the money to any charity. Where two IPL teams were auctioned at
> 3300 crores, yet still a poor country where people starve for two square
> meals per day. ***
>
> * *
>
> *A country where footwear is sold in AC showrooms, but the vegetables we
> eat, are sold on the footpath and very often next to garbage dumps! ***
>
> * *
>
> *Where everybody wants to be famous, not by doing good for others, but by
> looting others and finally getting their names in the newspapers through
> some scam or other! ***
>
> * *
>
> *It’s a strange nation we live in, where assembly complex buildings get
> ready within a year while public bridges, flyovers and sea links take
> several years even to get off the drawing board and another decade to be
> completed. ***
>
> * *
>
> *We are a nation where two brothers fight with each other for the nation’s
> spoils, but the nation doesn’t know that the two of them are cleverly
> looting the nation while we watch their mock battles. ***
>
> * *
>
> *We have malls, and sky-rises, with slums forming their boundary wall. ***
>
> * *
>
> *A country where men and women squat on railway tracks, with no where else
> to go while watching them from windows, are couples with three bathrooms and
> one for the guests. ***
>
> * *
>
> *A country where politicians who are supposed to serve the people accept
> money from the same people they are supposed to serve, then take a salary
> from the government for their services to the people! ***
>
> * *
>
> *We are a nation where we talk in hushed whispers about the corruption in
> the country and then dig into our pockets to bribe a cop when we are caught
> cutting a red light. ***
>
> * *
>
> *Think about it; we are a confused nation, aren’t we?***
>
>

Astronnaut

Munna bhai: Agar bina danto ka kutta kate to kya karna chahiye?

Circuit: Simple bhai... Bina sui ka injection lagane ka!

**************

Narad Muni dharti par madira peene aaye,12 botal pilane k baad

Theke wala: Apko chadhti kyun nahi ?

Narad: Main Bhagwaan Hoon.

Theke wala: Ab Chad gayi bevde ko.

**************

Jija: Sali ji, aapke yahan ki sabse mash-hoor cheez kaunsi hai?

Sali: Jija ji, jo mash-hoor thi, usey to aap le gaye!

**************


Q: Agar do pipal ke Pedon ko ek rassi se bandh diya jaye to us rassi ko kya kahenge?

A: Us rassi ko bolengey NOKIA - Connecting pipal.

**************

Kuri waley Munde nu: Tusi nonveg khandey ho?

Munda: Haan

Sharaab?

Haan

Drugs?

Haan

Jua?

Haan

Sab kuch negative hai, kuch positive ve hai?

Munda: Haanji, HIV+

**************

Gal: Is dress ka kya price hai?

Shopkeeper: Sirf 5 kiss.

Girl: Aur us dress ka?

Shopkeeper: 10 kiss.

Girl: Dono dress pack kar do, bill dadi dengi.

**************

Sachin’s Daughter: Yeh Kya, Daddy Sixer pe Sixer maare jaa rahe hain Hain?

Sachin’s Wife: Arey beta, yeh toh ADVERTISEMENT Hai !

**************

Ab tak meri life ek khuli botal thi,

jis mein se sab perfume ki tarah ud jata tha.

Par aap ke aane se sab kuch ruk gaya,

Bhagwan kare aap jaisa DHAKKAN sabko miley.

**************

Santa: Tommy ne meri saari kitaab kha layi

Mother: Ohnu mere kole leke aa mein usnu saja dewan

Santa: Saja ta mein de diti, usdi kauli wala dudh mein pee gaya

**************

Manmohan Singh: We are sending Indians to the moon next year!

Bush: Wow! Howc many?

Manamohan: 25 OBC, 25 SC, 20 ST, 5 Handicapped, 5 Sports Persons, 5 Terrorist Affected, 5 Kashmiri Migrants, 9 Politicians & if possible 1 Astronnaut

**************

1980 girls: Maan mei Jeans pehanungi

Maan : Nahin beti log kya kahengey?

2006 girls: Maan mein mini skirt pehanungi

Maan: Pehen le beti kuch to pehan le!

**************

Lamha Lamha Waqt Guzar Jayega,

Chand Lamhon Men Exam Sar Pe Ajayega,

Abhi Bhi Waqt Hai Do Line Padh Lo,

Warna Paas Kia Munna Bhai Karwae Ga?

**************

Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.

**************

Mallika went to a swimming pool in a BRA & PANTY.

Guard: Madam here 2 piece costume is not allowed!

Mallika: Kaun sa utaroon?

**************

Basanti: Bhaag Dhanno bhag, aaj teri Basanti ki izzat ka sawal hai.

Dhanno: Tujhe apni padi hai. Meri soch jiske peeche Gabbar ke 10 ghode pade hain

**************

DOUBT IN MAHABHARAT.. (JOKE)

In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat Katha to class 6 students. He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.

Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is Going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki Behind the bars.

First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning...

Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak

Third one is born..."

Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I Have a doubt ( sounding nervous n confused)

" Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in mahabharata then how Come u have one?"

Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to Kill him,

WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?

Masterji fainted.........................no answer..... :)

Senior citizens can be humorous too !!!.

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, He floored it to 160kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh,then 220 then 240kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman .

-

A cardiologists funeral

A Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral

by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart... covered in

flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from

the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.. The

heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes

stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own

funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

The priest fainted!

MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT

While walking down the street one day a 'Member of Parliament' is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'


And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'



So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.

Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'



The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning...

Today you voted.'

Good luck

Two ladies in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.

But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

End of sardar jokes

It's true

We all love Sardar jokes. But do you know that Sikhs are one of the hardest working prosperous and diversified communities in the world.

My friend told me about the following incident which I wish to share with you. It has had a deep impact on my thinking.

During last vacation, his few friends came to Delhi. They rented a taxi for local sight-seeing. The driver was an old Sardar and boys being boys, these pals began cracking Sardarji jokes, just to tease the old man.

But to their surprise, the fellow remained unperturbed.

At the end of the sight-seeing, they paid the cab hire-charges. The Sardar returned the change, but he gave each one of them one rupee extra and said,

''Son, since morning you have been telling Sardarji jokes. I listened to them all and let me tell you, some of them were in bad taste. Still, I don't mind coz I know that you are young blood and are yet to see the world.. But I have one request. I am giving you one rupee each. Give it to the first Sardar beggar that you come across in this or any other city.'

My friend continued,* ' That one rupee coin is still with me. I couldn't find a single Sardar begging anywhere.'

MORAL:

The secret behind their universal success, is their willingness to do any job with utmost dedication and pride. A Sardar will drive a truck or set up a roadside garage or a dhaba, put a fruit juice stall, take up small time carpentry, ... but he will never beg on the streets.