Brilliant Answers byBantabut the teacher gave him '0' marks only

Q- In which battle did Tipu Sultan die?
A- His last battle !

Q- Where was the declaration of independence signed?
A- At the bottom of the page !

Q- What's the main reason for Divorce?
A- Marriage!

Q- river Ganges flows in which state?
A- Liquid state !

Q- When was Mahatma Gandhi born?
A- On his birthday !

Q- How will u distribute 8 mangoes among 6 people?
A- By preparing mango shake....

Who was Akbar?

Teacher: Who was AKBAR?
Boy: Akbar was Gay!
Tchr(Shocked): Why?
Boy: v hav heard.
LAILA-MAJNU,
HEER-RANJHA,
ADAM-EVE,
SONI-MAHIVAL

& Only

AKBAR-BIRBAL..???

Wedding rehersal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the preacher with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and cherish" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the preacher looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and vow eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the preacher and whispered: "I thought we had a deal."

The preacher put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer."

You could have heard a pin drop

Field Marshal Sam Bahadur Maneckshaw once started addressing a public meeting at Ahmedabad in English.
The crowd started chanting, "Speak in Gujarati. We will hear you only if you speak in
Gujarati."
Field Marshal Sam Bahadur Maneckshaw stopped. Swept the audience with a hard
stare and replied,
"Friends, I have fought many a battle in my long career. I have learned Punjabi from
men of the Sikh Regiment; Marathi from the Maratha Regiment; Tamil from the men
of the Madras Sappers; Bengali from the men of the Bengal Sappers, Hindi from the Bihar Regiment; and even Nepali from the Gurkha Regiment. Unfortunately there was no soldier from Gujarat from whom I could have learned Gujarati."

........ You could have heard a pin drop

India........it is a confused nation we live in..

- * It’s a confused nation we live
> in........*
>
> * *
>
> * *
>
> *Where a policeman kills a leopard that is actually attacking a villager,
> and instead of being felicitated he is booked for the crime of saving a
> human being! ***
>
> * *
>
> *A nation where Rice is Rs.40/- per kg and SIM Card is free. ***
>
> * *
>
> *Where a pizza you have ordered reaches home faster than an ambulance or
> police, even if you were being murdered or having a heart attack! ***
>
> * *
>
> *Where a car loan is charged at 5% but an education loan, so necessary for
> our youth is charged an interest of 12%! ***
>
> * *
>
> *A nation where students with 45% get into elite institutions through the
> quota system and those with 90% are sent away because of merit. ***
>
> * *
>
> *Where a millionaire buys a cricket team, spending crores instead of
> donating the money to any charity. Where two IPL teams were auctioned at
> 3300 crores, yet still a poor country where people starve for two square
> meals per day. ***
>
> * *
>
> *A country where footwear is sold in AC showrooms, but the vegetables we
> eat, are sold on the footpath and very often next to garbage dumps! ***
>
> * *
>
> *Where everybody wants to be famous, not by doing good for others, but by
> looting others and finally getting their names in the newspapers through
> some scam or other! ***
>
> * *
>
> *It’s a strange nation we live in, where assembly complex buildings get
> ready within a year while public bridges, flyovers and sea links take
> several years even to get off the drawing board and another decade to be
> completed. ***
>
> * *
>
> *We are a nation where two brothers fight with each other for the nation’s
> spoils, but the nation doesn’t know that the two of them are cleverly
> looting the nation while we watch their mock battles. ***
>
> * *
>
> *We have malls, and sky-rises, with slums forming their boundary wall. ***
>
> * *
>
> *A country where men and women squat on railway tracks, with no where else
> to go while watching them from windows, are couples with three bathrooms and
> one for the guests. ***
>
> * *
>
> *A country where politicians who are supposed to serve the people accept
> money from the same people they are supposed to serve, then take a salary
> from the government for their services to the people! ***
>
> * *
>
> *We are a nation where we talk in hushed whispers about the corruption in
> the country and then dig into our pockets to bribe a cop when we are caught
> cutting a red light. ***
>
> * *
>
> *Think about it; we are a confused nation, aren’t we?***
>
>

Astronnaut

Munna bhai: Agar bina danto ka kutta kate to kya karna chahiye?

Circuit: Simple bhai... Bina sui ka injection lagane ka!

**************

Narad Muni dharti par madira peene aaye,12 botal pilane k baad

Theke wala: Apko chadhti kyun nahi ?

Narad: Main Bhagwaan Hoon.

Theke wala: Ab Chad gayi bevde ko.

**************

Jija: Sali ji, aapke yahan ki sabse mash-hoor cheez kaunsi hai?

Sali: Jija ji, jo mash-hoor thi, usey to aap le gaye!

**************


Q: Agar do pipal ke Pedon ko ek rassi se bandh diya jaye to us rassi ko kya kahenge?

A: Us rassi ko bolengey NOKIA - Connecting pipal.

**************

Kuri waley Munde nu: Tusi nonveg khandey ho?

Munda: Haan

Sharaab?

Haan

Drugs?

Haan

Jua?

Haan

Sab kuch negative hai, kuch positive ve hai?

Munda: Haanji, HIV+

**************

Gal: Is dress ka kya price hai?

Shopkeeper: Sirf 5 kiss.

Girl: Aur us dress ka?

Shopkeeper: 10 kiss.

Girl: Dono dress pack kar do, bill dadi dengi.

**************

Sachin’s Daughter: Yeh Kya, Daddy Sixer pe Sixer maare jaa rahe hain Hain?

Sachin’s Wife: Arey beta, yeh toh ADVERTISEMENT Hai !

**************

Ab tak meri life ek khuli botal thi,

jis mein se sab perfume ki tarah ud jata tha.

Par aap ke aane se sab kuch ruk gaya,

Bhagwan kare aap jaisa DHAKKAN sabko miley.

**************

Santa: Tommy ne meri saari kitaab kha layi

Mother: Ohnu mere kole leke aa mein usnu saja dewan

Santa: Saja ta mein de diti, usdi kauli wala dudh mein pee gaya

**************

Manmohan Singh: We are sending Indians to the moon next year!

Bush: Wow! Howc many?

Manamohan: 25 OBC, 25 SC, 20 ST, 5 Handicapped, 5 Sports Persons, 5 Terrorist Affected, 5 Kashmiri Migrants, 9 Politicians & if possible 1 Astronnaut

**************

1980 girls: Maan mei Jeans pehanungi

Maan : Nahin beti log kya kahengey?

2006 girls: Maan mein mini skirt pehanungi

Maan: Pehen le beti kuch to pehan le!

**************

Lamha Lamha Waqt Guzar Jayega,

Chand Lamhon Men Exam Sar Pe Ajayega,

Abhi Bhi Waqt Hai Do Line Padh Lo,

Warna Paas Kia Munna Bhai Karwae Ga?

**************

Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.

**************

Mallika went to a swimming pool in a BRA & PANTY.

Guard: Madam here 2 piece costume is not allowed!

Mallika: Kaun sa utaroon?

**************

Basanti: Bhaag Dhanno bhag, aaj teri Basanti ki izzat ka sawal hai.

Dhanno: Tujhe apni padi hai. Meri soch jiske peeche Gabbar ke 10 ghode pade hain

**************

DOUBT IN MAHABHARAT.. (JOKE)

In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat Katha to class 6 students. He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.

Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is Going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki Behind the bars.

First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning...

Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak

Third one is born..."

Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I Have a doubt ( sounding nervous n confused)

" Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in mahabharata then how Come u have one?"

Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to Kill him,

WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?

Masterji fainted.........................no answer..... :)

Senior citizens can be humorous too !!!.

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, He floored it to 160kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh,then 220 then 240kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman .

-

A cardiologists funeral

A Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral

by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart... covered in

flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from

the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.. The

heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes

stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own

funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

The priest fainted!

MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT

While walking down the street one day a 'Member of Parliament' is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'


And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'



So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.

Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'



The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning...

Today you voted.'

Good luck

Two ladies in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.

But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

End of sardar jokes

It's true

We all love Sardar jokes. But do you know that Sikhs are one of the hardest working prosperous and diversified communities in the world.

My friend told me about the following incident which I wish to share with you. It has had a deep impact on my thinking.

During last vacation, his few friends came to Delhi. They rented a taxi for local sight-seeing. The driver was an old Sardar and boys being boys, these pals began cracking Sardarji jokes, just to tease the old man.

But to their surprise, the fellow remained unperturbed.

At the end of the sight-seeing, they paid the cab hire-charges. The Sardar returned the change, but he gave each one of them one rupee extra and said,

''Son, since morning you have been telling Sardarji jokes. I listened to them all and let me tell you, some of them were in bad taste. Still, I don't mind coz I know that you are young blood and are yet to see the world.. But I have one request. I am giving you one rupee each. Give it to the first Sardar beggar that you come across in this or any other city.'

My friend continued,* ' That one rupee coin is still with me. I couldn't find a single Sardar begging anywhere.'

MORAL:

The secret behind their universal success, is their willingness to do any job with utmost dedication and pride. A Sardar will drive a truck or set up a roadside garage or a dhaba, put a fruit juice stall, take up small time carpentry, ... but he will never beg on the streets.

HOW TO BREAK BAD NEWS..

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"

"Ah yes, Mr.Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"

"That's the one."

"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"

"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr.Arnaldo?"

"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house!

A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire.

Make use of the Opportunities..

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!'

Why One Should Never > Visit a Five Star Hotel...

>
> Question: What would you like to have... Fruit juice, Soda,
> Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?
> Answer: Tea
> please.
>
> Question: Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea,
> Ice tea or green tea?
> Answer: Ceylon
> tea.
>
> Question: How would you like it? Black or white?
> Answer: White
>
> Question: Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?
> Answer: With
> milk.
>
> Question: Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk
> Answer: With cow milk
> please.
>
> Question: Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?
> Answer: Um, I'll take it
> black.
>
> Question: Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or
> honey?
> Answer: With
> sugar.
>
> Question: Beet sugar or cane sugar?
> Answer: Cane
> sugar.
>
> Question: White, brown or yellow sugar?
> Answer: Forget about tea just
> give me a glass of water instead.
>
> Question: Mineral water or still water?
> Answer: Mineral
> water.
>
> Question: Flavored or non-flavored?
> Answer: I'll rather die of
> thirst.
>
>
>
>
>
>

Change my room

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.


"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."


"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.




"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.


"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

Never make a woman angry!

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates
and saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and
began calling greetings to her, "Hello. How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,"
her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the
multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all
around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am.
What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis", she replied.

The great Rajani Special

Once upon a time Rajnikanth used a tooth powder to get strong teeth..... . . . . . . . . today that powder is used as AMBUJA CEMENT



Once Rajnikanth was playing Cricket and Rain Stopped due to Heavy Play



Once Rajnikanth gone for a walk and after one hour police arrested him
u know why
He reached USA and having No Visa with him




Rajnikanth was practicing for spelling test. The rough sheet he used is today known as the oxford dictionary!!




Hrithik tried to participate in a dance competition with Rajnikanth. Result: He is in a wheel chair in Gujarish.


Rajnikanth was once told to choose 3 subjects when he got admission in jr.college................ He chose science,arts and commerce!!!!!!!



Rajnikanth can make calls from his iPod to his iPad...!!!



One nite, while asleep, Rajnikanth was mumbling some random numbrs... Thats how the Log table was invented.




One day Rajnikanth bunked school. Since then it is known as Sunday




Once Rajnikanth was on the hot seat of KBC....
And the computer needed lifeline to choose the question. Mind it!


Micheal Jordan to Rajini: I can spin a ball on my finger for over two hours. Can you?

Rajini: Rascala, how do you think the earth spins!?




Roger Federer: I know everything about tennis. You can ask me anything.
Rajnikanth: Ok. Tell me, how many holes are there in the NET??




All scientists failed to answer this but rajnikanth did...
Ques: Which liquid turns solid on heating?
Ans: Dosa... mind it!!! (something logical)

only married men..

Only Married Men Will Truly Understand.

Husband: Aaj khane mein kya banaogi?

Wife: Jo aap kaho !!!

H: Dal chawal bana lo.

W: Abhi kal hi to khaye the.

H: Toh sabji roti bana lo.

W: Bacche nahi khayenge.

H: ToH chhole puri bana lo.

W: Mujhe heavy heavy lagta hai.

H: Eggs bhurji bana lo.

W: Aaj guruvaar hai.

H: Paraanthe ?

W: Raat ko paraanthe kaun khata hai??

H: Hotel se mangwa lete hain?

W: Roz-roz hotel ka nahi khana chahiye.

H: Kadhi chawal?

W: Dahi nahi hai.

H: Idly sambar?

W: Usme time lagega.pehle bolna chahiye tha na!!

H: Maggi hi bana lo, usme time nahi lagega.

W: Woh koi meal thodi hai? Pet nahi bharta.

H: Phir ab kya banaogi?

W: Wo jo aap kaho !!!

Have A Nice Day

The monkey and the cue ball....

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what did he do?"
''He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two Weeks Later.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is enjoying his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Grandma's torment

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"Fools won't let me fart."

Banta n His Beer

Banta Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and
sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.
The bartender asks him, “You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in
the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time.”

Banta Singh replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Dubai , the other in Canada and I’m here in London . When they left
home, we promised that we’ll drink this way to remember the days when
we drank together.”

The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

Banta Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the
same way. He’d order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars
notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender
says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
sincere condolences on your great loss.”

Banta said, “Everyone’s fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is. .

I have QUIT drinking!”

Jewish Mistress

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I understand that, "replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. The decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe? " asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she says.

MUKESHBHAI LOOSES HIS KEYS IN HIS NEW HOUSE

Mukesh Ambani in his 27 storeyed home......

Mukeshbhai gets up from his bed room on 15th floor, takes a swim in the swimming pool on 17th floor, has breakfast on the 19th floor, dresses up for office on 14th floor, collects his files and office bag from his personal office on 21st floor, wishes bye to Nitabhabhi on 16th floor, says see you to his children on 13th floor, and goes down on 3rd floor to self drive his 2.5 crore Mercedes to office, but then he finds out that he has forgotten the car keys upstairs. But on which floor? 15th, 17th, 19th, 14th, 21st, 16th or 13th ?

He phones all his servants, cooks, maids, secretaries, pool attendents gym trainers, etc. on all the floors. There is a hectic search and lot of running around on all the floors, but the key is not traceable .

Fed up , after half an hour, Mukeshbhai leaves in a chauffer driven ordinary Ikon car.

At 3.30 P.M. late in the afternoon it is discovered that 4 days back , a temporary replacement maid had washed Mukeshbhai's pant and hung it to dry on a string in the balcony of 16th floor, with car keys in the pant pocket. The key had blown away somewhere in the high winds at 16th floor level and was never found. This was found out because of Nitabhabhi's habit of checking clothes given for ironing personally.

After 3 days Nitabhabhi complained to Mukeshbhai asking him where he was roaming till 3 A.M. last night ? Mukeshbahi said the he was at home all night.

"Then why did the helicopter land in the terrace at 3 A.M. I was so much worried. I could not sleep whole night," said Nitabhabhi.

"Oh That helicopter? That helicopter came from Germany, sent by Mercedes people to deliver the duplicate car key".......said Mukesh.

tax structure in india

Question 1.. : What are you doing?
Ans. : Business.
Tax : PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!

Question 2 : What are you doing in Business?
Ans. : Selling the Goods.
Tax : PAY SALES TAX!

Question 3 : From where are you getting Goods?
Ans. : From other State/Abroad
Tax : PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI

Question 4 : What are you getting in Selling Goods?
Ans. : Profit.
Tax : PAY INCOME TAX!

Question 5: How do you distribute profit ?
Ans : By way of dividend
Tax : PAY DIVIDEND DISTRIBUTION TAX

Question 6 : Where you Manufacturing the Goods?
Ans. : Factory...
Tax : PAY EXCISE DUTY!

Question 7 : Do you have Office / Warehouse / Factory?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!

Question 8 : Do you have Staff?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!

Question 9 : Doing business in Millions?
Ans. : Yes -- Tax : PAY TURNOVER TAX!
Ans : No -- Tax : Then pay Minimum Alternate Tax

Question 10 : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?
Ans. : Yes, for Salary.
Tax : PAY CASH HANDLING TAX!

Question 11 : Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?
Ans. : Hotel
Tax : PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX

Question 12 : Are you going Out of Station for Business?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX

Question 13 : Have you taken or given any Services?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX

Question 14 : How come you got such a Big Amount?
Ans. : Gift on birthday.
Tax : PAY GIFT TAX

Question 15.: Do you have any Wealth?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY WEALTH TAX

Question 16 : To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?
Ans. : Cinema or Resort.
Tax : PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX

Question 17 : Have you purchased House?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE

Question 18 : How you Travel?
Ans. : Bus
Tax : PAY SURCHARGE

Question 19.: Any Additional Tax?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX

Question 20: Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY INTEREST & PENALTY

Racism ... tooooooo funnnny

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Sarson Da Tel?" (Mustard OIL)

The clerk says "Are you a Sikh?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Olive Oil, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Sarson Da Tel, why did you ask if I am a Sikh?"

The clerk replied, "Because Sardarji, you're in a Liquor Store." :-)

how do u feel ?

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just



Full of aches and pains.



I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"



Slim said, "I feel j ust like a newborn baby."



"Really? Like a newborn baby?"



"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Height of innoscence

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.



He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"



She replied, "I'm having a baby."



With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"



She answered, "He sure is."



Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"



She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."



With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
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"Then why did you eat him?"