At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr.Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr.Arnaldo?"
"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house!
A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire.
Dear God, Give us a sense of humour, Give us the grace to see a joke, To get some humour out of life, And pass it on to other folk ..........
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Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Make use of the Opportunities..
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!'
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!'
Why One Should Never > Visit a Five Star Hotel...
>
> Question: What would you like to have... Fruit juice, Soda,
> Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?
> Answer: Tea
> please.
>
> Question: Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea,
> Ice tea or green tea?
> Answer: Ceylon
> tea.
>
> Question: How would you like it? Black or white?
> Answer: White
>
> Question: Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?
> Answer: With
> milk.
>
> Question: Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk
> Answer: With cow milk
> please.
>
> Question: Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?
> Answer: Um, I'll take it
> black.
>
> Question: Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or
> honey?
> Answer: With
> sugar.
>
> Question: Beet sugar or cane sugar?
> Answer: Cane
> sugar.
>
> Question: White, brown or yellow sugar?
> Answer: Forget about tea just
> give me a glass of water instead.
>
> Question: Mineral water or still water?
> Answer: Mineral
> water.
>
> Question: Flavored or non-flavored?
> Answer: I'll rather die of
> thirst.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Question: What would you like to have... Fruit juice, Soda,
> Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?
> Answer: Tea
> please.
>
> Question: Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea,
> Ice tea or green tea?
> Answer: Ceylon
> tea.
>
> Question: How would you like it? Black or white?
> Answer: White
>
> Question: Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?
> Answer: With
> milk.
>
> Question: Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk
> Answer: With cow milk
> please.
>
> Question: Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?
> Answer: Um, I'll take it
> black.
>
> Question: Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or
> honey?
> Answer: With
> sugar.
>
> Question: Beet sugar or cane sugar?
> Answer: Cane
> sugar.
>
> Question: White, brown or yellow sugar?
> Answer: Forget about tea just
> give me a glass of water instead.
>
> Question: Mineral water or still water?
> Answer: Mineral
> water.
>
> Question: Flavored or non-flavored?
> Answer: I'll rather die of
> thirst.
>
>
>
>
>
>
Change my room
The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
Never make a woman angry!
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates
and saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and
began calling greetings to her, "Hello. How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,"
her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the
multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all
around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am.
What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis", she replied.
and saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and
began calling greetings to her, "Hello. How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,"
her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the
multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all
around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am.
What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis", she replied.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
The great Rajani Special
Once upon a time Rajnikanth used a tooth powder to get strong teeth..... . . . . . . . . today that powder is used as AMBUJA CEMENT
Once Rajnikanth was playing Cricket and Rain Stopped due to Heavy Play
Once Rajnikanth gone for a walk and after one hour police arrested him
u know why
He reached USA and having No Visa with him
Rajnikanth was practicing for spelling test. The rough sheet he used is today known as the oxford dictionary!!
Hrithik tried to participate in a dance competition with Rajnikanth. Result: He is in a wheel chair in Gujarish.
Rajnikanth was once told to choose 3 subjects when he got admission in jr.college................ He chose science,arts and commerce!!!!!!!
Rajnikanth can make calls from his iPod to his iPad...!!!
One nite, while asleep, Rajnikanth was mumbling some random numbrs... Thats how the Log table was invented.
One day Rajnikanth bunked school. Since then it is known as Sunday
Once Rajnikanth was on the hot seat of KBC....
And the computer needed lifeline to choose the question. Mind it!
Micheal Jordan to Rajini: I can spin a ball on my finger for over two hours. Can you?
Rajini: Rascala, how do you think the earth spins!?
Roger Federer: I know everything about tennis. You can ask me anything.
Rajnikanth: Ok. Tell me, how many holes are there in the NET??
All scientists failed to answer this but rajnikanth did...
Ques: Which liquid turns solid on heating?
Ans: Dosa... mind it!!! (something logical)
Once Rajnikanth was playing Cricket and Rain Stopped due to Heavy Play
Once Rajnikanth gone for a walk and after one hour police arrested him
u know why
He reached USA and having No Visa with him
Rajnikanth was practicing for spelling test. The rough sheet he used is today known as the oxford dictionary!!
Hrithik tried to participate in a dance competition with Rajnikanth. Result: He is in a wheel chair in Gujarish.
Rajnikanth was once told to choose 3 subjects when he got admission in jr.college................ He chose science,arts and commerce!!!!!!!
Rajnikanth can make calls from his iPod to his iPad...!!!
One nite, while asleep, Rajnikanth was mumbling some random numbrs... Thats how the Log table was invented.
One day Rajnikanth bunked school. Since then it is known as Sunday
Once Rajnikanth was on the hot seat of KBC....
And the computer needed lifeline to choose the question. Mind it!
Micheal Jordan to Rajini: I can spin a ball on my finger for over two hours. Can you?
Rajini: Rascala, how do you think the earth spins!?
Roger Federer: I know everything about tennis. You can ask me anything.
Rajnikanth: Ok. Tell me, how many holes are there in the NET??
All scientists failed to answer this but rajnikanth did...
Ques: Which liquid turns solid on heating?
Ans: Dosa... mind it!!! (something logical)
only married men..
Only Married Men Will Truly Understand.
Husband: Aaj khane mein kya banaogi?
Wife: Jo aap kaho !!!
H: Dal chawal bana lo.
W: Abhi kal hi to khaye the.
H: Toh sabji roti bana lo.
W: Bacche nahi khayenge.
H: ToH chhole puri bana lo.
W: Mujhe heavy heavy lagta hai.
H: Eggs bhurji bana lo.
W: Aaj guruvaar hai.
H: Paraanthe ?
W: Raat ko paraanthe kaun khata hai??
H: Hotel se mangwa lete hain?
W: Roz-roz hotel ka nahi khana chahiye.
H: Kadhi chawal?
W: Dahi nahi hai.
H: Idly sambar?
W: Usme time lagega.pehle bolna chahiye tha na!!
H: Maggi hi bana lo, usme time nahi lagega.
W: Woh koi meal thodi hai? Pet nahi bharta.
H: Phir ab kya banaogi?
W: Wo jo aap kaho !!!
Have A Nice Day
Husband: Aaj khane mein kya banaogi?
Wife: Jo aap kaho !!!
H: Dal chawal bana lo.
W: Abhi kal hi to khaye the.
H: Toh sabji roti bana lo.
W: Bacche nahi khayenge.
H: ToH chhole puri bana lo.
W: Mujhe heavy heavy lagta hai.
H: Eggs bhurji bana lo.
W: Aaj guruvaar hai.
H: Paraanthe ?
W: Raat ko paraanthe kaun khata hai??
H: Hotel se mangwa lete hain?
W: Roz-roz hotel ka nahi khana chahiye.
H: Kadhi chawal?
W: Dahi nahi hai.
H: Idly sambar?
W: Usme time lagega.pehle bolna chahiye tha na!!
H: Maggi hi bana lo, usme time nahi lagega.
W: Woh koi meal thodi hai? Pet nahi bharta.
H: Phir ab kya banaogi?
W: Wo jo aap kaho !!!
Have A Nice Day
The monkey and the cue ball....
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what did he do?"
''He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two Weeks Later.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is enjoying his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball, he measures everything first."
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what did he do?"
''He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two Weeks Later.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is enjoying his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Grandma's torment
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...
"Fools won't let me fart."
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...
"Fools won't let me fart."